Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
