I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
