You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
