I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
