I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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