I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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