I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
