You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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