i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
