I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
