Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
