so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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