She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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