Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
