I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
