Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
