Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
