I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
