I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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