He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my shit smells like andre
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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