Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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