I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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