when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
