your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
