Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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