Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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