Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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