i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
