she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
