how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
