Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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