Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
