i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
