My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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