Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
