note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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