Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
