So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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