worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
