God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
