I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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