You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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