i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
