Your mouth is God's brothel.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
