At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
