Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
