I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
