This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
