1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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