I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I CAN MOONWALK!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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