4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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