I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
