I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
