I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
