the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
birth control should be required to get into college
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
