My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
