My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
