I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
