so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
