I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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