In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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