why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
